Please send me my ITIN.

You see, I have a book coming out. In 12 days. Yes, you’re right, it’s not that many.

But if it comes out before I have my ITIN, I’m going to have to do a US tax return next year, which will be good for no one.

You see, I’m not very accomplished at them. Ask Revenue Canada. It’s lucky they get a deal on those toll-free numbers. For me, it would be totally worth my while to move to the States and stay there for the amount of time it will take me, on your toll-free number, to be sure I’m doing this right.

Why? Because I’ve heard it can be difficult getting a refund processed. And I’m not very good at them.

For the amount of long-distance charges it would cost me, to call you, from up here in the snowy north, I would be better off financially to pack up my sled dogs and ‘take a vacation’, which wouldn’t be much of a vacation, since I would spend the whole time on your toll-free number.

And your hair. You love your hair, right? It’s very nice hair. But, by about the third call, people have been known to start losing their hair. In tufts. Ask Doreen at Revenue Canada. Oh, wait, she’s on leave…

Then there’s the PTSD. The typical symptoms are an almost overwhelming desire to throttle someone every time the phone rings. I don’t think Randy from Revenue Canada ended up doing any time, but I think the person in the cubicle next to him is still recovering. I’d call, but he gets angry.

So, you see, it’s in the best interests of us all, if : car, truck, airplane, homing pigeon, Pony Express, dirigible, your Great-Aunt Fanny. It’s all the same to me.

As long as they can be here by August 13th.