There’s nothing more satisfying than a good book. (Except maybe a weekend on a remote island with hot and cold running cabana boys and all the chocolate you can eat.)

But it’s an unfortunate fact of life that not every book is the wonderfully fulfilling, sensual experience we would like. And, with the advent of ereaders, there isn’t even the entirely visceral pleasure of throwing the offending object at the wall in a fit of frustration. No surge of adrenaline, so satisfying clunk, no inspecting it for damage with an ecstatic “Serves you right!”

Until now…

Three Dirty Birds presents…The SUBSTIBOOK™!

Available in high-tech silvery gray, The Substibook™ is the size of your average mass market paperback, but slightly heavier, to add to the force of impact (and the satisfying Clunk!) when it hits your wall.

To use it, you simply print out an appropriately-sized cover off the book, tape it to the front of The Substibook™, and Heave Ho! (Note: No books were harmed in the making of these videos. Exemplars are not necessarily specific to characteristics discussed.)

Feel the delirious joy of watching plot holes you could drive a truck through as they splat against a random vertical surface.

Watch as Characters Who Are Too Stupid To Live develop a deep and intense connection with a horizontal surface.

Or just use The Substibook™ as a target for your disappointment with four pages of introductory info-dump and the twenty characters it introduces–all of whom have names beginning with the letter J.

The Substibook™ can also be used for more than leaving dents in your drywall. It can also be used for exercise, as a wedge under the tire of your car (still in beta mode), and for getting those pesky zombies™ out of your garden.

For the special introductory price of only $4.99 (plus shipping and handling), you too may experience the transcendent joy of taking your frustrations out on offending books, while your ereader breathes a sigh of relief.

(Just kidding about the price–we’re not actually trying to sell anything. We thought it would be fun to do up an ad for our little running gag. Stay tuned for the Substibrain, and other random oddities as they pop up. 🙂 )